Sometimes I wish I could go back and not know anything about food. Ignorance is bliss in the food department in my eyes.
Writing this post isn't the easiest for me. It's telling the world that all the great things I have done for my health in the food department has also hurt me.
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| pretty much describes me... |
For a long time I was fully on the paleo bandwagon since I was fully emerged into the CrossFit community, I was just doing what everyone else was doing. I read books about how bad legumes, dairy and grains are for you. Learned about how everything these days are so processed. I shared with everyone about how great paleo is for you.
Being so paleo when we went out to eat, I would let that either be my 'cheat' or pick through the menu until I could get just what I wanted. Always having the waitress look at me like I'm crazy. I wouldn't really enjoy the time out, but I would go.
Next came the big problems, I started having crazy digestive issues. I was always bloated and I never felt good. I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. More and more foods I was either finding out I was allergic to our I wasn't able to tolerate them well.
I went through many tests, 3 doctors and 1 specialist before they could figure out what was going on with me. I was throwing up bright yellow acid every morning and felt like crap for months. We found out that I had a case of gastritis which is inflammation of the stomach lining. Paired with this awesome diagnosis I had an overgrowth of H. Pylori bacteria.
The doctor told me that these things can be caused by malnutrition... I thought to myself, how could I be malnourished!? I was eating paleo!!! Well, I guess I wasn't getting enough.
After two rounds of the worst ever antibiotics I was finally back to my normal self. Still super sensitive to a lot of foods but nothing like I used to be and I finally didn't look 9 months pregnant all day.
So I started my journey on healing my gut. Learned about potent probiotics, fermenting foods and about Weston A Price. He encourages whole food eating and had broader guidelines then paleo his book nourishing traditions is amazing. I loved it. Being in the CrossFit community still I was still getting paleo shoved down my throat all day. I found myself going back to paleo because it was my comfort zone.
What I hated was that every time I went paleo I got sick, I felt like crap and everything went downhill. I could never convince myself that maybe the paleo was hurting me.
Well time went by... I still struggled with feeling healthy and finding a balance. I gave up on pretty much everything and just ate what I wanted... hey and guess what!?!? I FELT SO MUCH BETTER!
In less then 2 months after I started doing this, my energy was back, I was dropping my 'stubborn' fat that I had left on me even though I was training my ass off, and I just felt better. A month after all of these amazing things happened I found out I was pregnant! Stopping the worry made everything come into place for me.
Through my pregnancy I stayed as healthy as I could but I enjoyed it. I worked out 4x a week at least and if I had a pregnancy craving, I gave in. I was happy and healthy. I gained 26lbs and within a month after delivery I was back to my pre pregnancy weight. Im not trying to brag, personally I just think I got lucky and breastfeeding I'm pretty sure is the main reason I went back to the size I was before.
After giving birth my weight was in check but my muscle mass went downhill, so I was a little flabby. I needed to just tone it up. So again I went on a strict food regimen. This time I did my first Whole 30. This time I felt great and made it through the 30 days, lost some inches and my acne cleared up a ton. I loved the results but mentally I was stressed out. I couldn't go out to eat any where, I couldn't enjoy just eating because I was too worried about what I was eating. My days were spent planning out food and making sure I had food with me if I was out of the house.
After my Whole 30 I kept it pretty clean until I started working out twice a day 2x a week on top of working out 6x a week already. For a new mom that was hardly getting sleep my body hated me fast for it.
I wasn't eating enough to fuel my body because I was too worried about gaining weight. I was using MyFitnessPal and tracking anything and everything I ate. If I went over 2000 calories I was pretty upset with myself. I was putting fat back on and not recovering. I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on...
Then I realized I wasn't practicing what I always preach... EAT!!! Looking more into my calories I should have been intaking AT LEAST 2,500 calories a day between working out and breastfeeding. Yeah I was pretty much starving myself and I was paying for it fast...
2 weeks ago after being generally upset about my appearance and my lovely hubby always asking what was wrong with me and I couldn't answer.... I figured it out.
I WAS MISERABLE!!! I was so afraid of food and my anxiety about it was over the top that sometimes I just wasn't eating...
My husband made me delete my food tracking app, throw away my scale, and we went to the store and bought a pizza and 2 packages of cookies that night. He pointed out that I have taken all the fun out of food, eating like a fat girl that needed to loose 100lbs asap. He was demanded I change my ways. His 'tough love' made me realize I was in a bad place and changing was for the best!
The next morning after having a nice binge on crap food I decided I'm not going to let myself ever go down the road of over worrying about food. I love food and I don't want to ever take that away from myself again.
**I also want to add, I'm not trying to bash paleo/whole30/Weston A Price/Macro counting at all. They are all awesome for your health and help you learn more about whole foods and how to live a healthy lifestyle. I just personally can't put a name to how I eat or I become obsessive and take it to a crazy extreme.**
I have learned my lesson after years of ups and downs. I will keep you guys posted on the changes I make and how I'm staying sane while making these big personal changes. I know it won't be easy for me personally but I will do it. I want to get over my fears so I can confidently say I'm at my healthiest both mentally and physically.
I get this. I haven't been overexercising (my baby is 2 weeks old, and I'm happy I can go for walks and do short spurts of running with my toddler), but the orthorexia thing? YES. Sometimes I find myself wishing I didn't know what I know, too. I just want to eat and enjoy it and not feel anxiety over social situations. I want to do good things for my body, though, too; it can drive me crazy if I let it.
ReplyDeleteI kind of love that your husband had you "reset" yourself with junk food. I tend to feel a VERY strong pull toward a junk food binge when I've been too restrictive or crazy with calorie counting (which doesn't work well for me, either).
Wishing you the best in your newly healthier relationship with food. (I'm working on mine, too!)
It's crazy how many women have told me they are glad that I wrote this. I'm really surprised to see that I'm not alone.
DeleteI'm with you with nothing ever working because I always take it a little too far. I would binge like crazy too if I became too restrictive so I can relate in all ways with you! I hope you can start your journey to a better food relationship as well and have good success!